You can’t even get in your car anymore without getting shot.

Out of the blue, my mother-in-law just asked, “I wonder who killed that man and his sister in Nashville?”

How should I know?  And it’s not the first time you’e asked.  You didn’t even know them so why are you obsessing about it?

Sometimes if my mother-in-law makes my bed, she only makes HALF.  Her son’s half.  Not my side.

I have proof.

Observe my half of the bed

And now her son

“Did you hear about the woman who died on that plane?  She ran out of oxygen.”

“Vietnam.  My stepson was a pilot in Vietnam until he got his face blowed off.”

“Did you know Castro has a sister who lives in Florida?  She won’t have anything to do with him.”

“Whatever happened to that man who murdered his wife?”

“I had a friend from Cambodia.  She ate rats.  She also slept on a dirt floor.  She married an Army man and came to the U.S.  Her mother-in-law had to teach her EVERYTHING.”

Earlier this week my mother-in-law made some wonderful vegetable soup.  Ingredients included hamburger, tomato base, corn, green beans, peas, lima beans, and probably some other stuff.  My husband doesn’t like green beans and always jokes about how they aren’t really “beans” but hulls of beans.

So I walked into the kitchen and the mother-in-law was standing over the stove.  I stopped and looked to see what she was doing.  She was picking out the green beans for her son, my 50+ year old husband, so he wouldn’t have to.

She’ll have a hard time turning around back there because there’s no room to turn around back there.

I can’t believe someone would go on someone’s front porch and steal something.  But it happened to me.  Poor Richard had his bicycle stolen.

“I’d never want to win the lottery with that much money in it ($105 million).  That’s just too much money.  If I did win that much I wouldn’t quit my job.”

I pointed out that at a salary of $40 K a year with no taxes or other deductions taken out that it’d take 2,625 years to accumulate that much money.

“It doesn’t matter.  I’d keep my job anyway.  I wouldn’t want to have to pay for health insurance if I was unemployed.”

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“If you are just curious as to when house guests are leaving, but you don’t want to insult them, you should say, “when do you /have to/ leave us?’  You could also say, ‘We’ve really had a wonderful time during your visit.  How long will you be able to stay?  But you should never be so rude as to ask such a question the way /you/ did.’”  mil.

This was after I asked after a four day visit out of curiosity, but not malice, “When will you guys [mil and fil] be heading back home?” 

This simple question started an uproar.  Bags were packed.  Words were exchanged: “you have a terrible husband!  He’s rude!  We’re leaving and you can’t stop us!”  This was before I realized just how insane these people are, but I was starting to catch on.  Incidentally, they stayed on another day or two.  Unfortunately, my wife was tortured by them for my misdeed for at least the next five years if not more.

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